


My poems

by Siubhantheelfninja



Category: No Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-01-17 19:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1400263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siubhantheelfninja/pseuds/Siubhantheelfninja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lol idk just stuff i write</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One Direction Blithe 1

There once was a girl who was deeply saddened

Only one thing made her happy anymore

A boy who had made her laugh right after pain

A boy who was her whole world 

But to him she was just another girl

Another fan who adored him.


	2. Blithe 1

There was a girl who sat in the back of class

So she wouldn't get called on

She sat there quietly

Careful not to draw attention to herself

She did everything very carefully

In fear that she would mess up

And someone would notice

The darkness that lies behind her

Cheerful eyes and fake smile

And the collection of bracelets on her arm.


	3. One Direction Blithe 2

I began this year happy and popular

Then I met 5 life ruiners

How could it be that those life ruiners

Became my saviors from 

The painful and sorrowful memories

That everyday brought me?


	4. Where I'm From

I'm from tears and razors,  
From scissors and paper clips   
Scattered across the floor  
As I lay near, sobbing silently.

I am from the internet,  
From Tumblr and Twitter.   
I am from John Green and #blithe,  
From Youtube and Instagram.

I am from sad books and hot apple cider,  
From Always? and Okay.  
I am from Hazel and Charlie,   
From Gus and Sam.

I am from Sci-fi and Drama,  
Comedy and Cops.  
I am from Doctor Who, and House Md.,   
Sherlock and Psych.

I am from alternative and post-hardcore,  
From One Direction and Pierce the Veil.   
I am from holding things back and acting weird,  
From not feeling and fake smiles.

I am from long sleeves and swim trunks,  
From make up and bracelets covering my arms.  
I am from dating, and then being cheated on,  
To wanting to die… and hopefully succeeding.

I am moving forward in my life,   
I am going to happiness.  
I am going starting over,  
and to getting a fresh start.  
I will forgive, but   
I won't forget-  
Where I'm from.


	5. Inside My Thoughts

My sight blurs  
My hearing echoes  
My thoughts are silent  
I am numb

I am at school  
In gym. I am  
Supposed to be  
Playing field hockey

People yell at me to  
Get the ball but I  
Am too focused on   
Being sad and trying  
Not to cry and   
Not to feel

I want to kill someone-  
Myself; I want to  
Not exist anymore.  
I want to decompose and   
Finally be useful for once.


	6. I Want

**I want:**

  * to die
  * to not exist
  * to cut
  * to kill myself
  * to smoke
  * to die
  * to be high
  * to die
  * to die
  * to DIE
  * TO DIE
  * TO DIE
  * I want to be dead.




	7. No.

fuck my life  
I hate myself.


	8. Subtleness

It's not always obvious;  
The blank stares,  
The quiet sighs,  
And the occasional vulnerable look in their eyes.

How they laugh too much,  
And then turn away quickly-  
To hide the frowns,  
And try not to cry from pain.

How one cool bracelet or long sleeve shirt  
Becomes ten and  
How you go from a bikini one summer  
To completely covering your body the next.

How when someone mentions  
Self-harm or suicide awareness days,  
They look to the ground and  
Won't talk, because they can't.

How they become more reserved-  
They spend time alone.  
Music and books  
become their best friends.

They act suspicious or jumpy when you ask the things.  
"Why aren't you eating?",  
"Why do you have so many bracelets?",  
"Why are you always wearing that jacket?".

These things aren't always easy to notice,  
Because these people spend all their time concealing it.  
These things are all hard to find,  
Unless you are one of them.


	9. Sometimes

Sometimes,  
I look at the sky,  
Feeling so small,  
Feeling so lost,  
Feeling so lonely.  
Sometimes,  
I look at my ceiling,  
Feeling so small,  
Feeling so lost,  
Feeling so lonely.  
Sometimes,  
I'm in school,  
Feeling so small,  
Feeling so lost,  
Feeling so lonely.  
Sometimes,  
I'm with my friends,  
Feeling so small,  
Feeling so lost,  
Feeling so lonely.  
Sometimes,  
I can be anywhere,  
Feeling so small,  
Feeling so lost,  
Feeling so lonely,  
All because I can  
Still see the stars,  
And feel lost in space.


	10. To My Friends:

_What does it feel like?_

How do I explain this, 

It feels like I'm dying,

And nobody can see it.

I try to tell people,

But people judge,

People leave,

People tell.

I'm in pain all the time,

I try not to show it.

I bottle it all up,

I wear baggy clothes and sweatshirts,

Long sleeves and bracelets.

I hide the hunger,

I hide the scars.

I wait until everyone goes to sleep,

So I can have a panic attack.

I cut and cry myself to sleep.

As tears drip down my cheeks,

Blood drips down my thighs,

And the whole time,

My mother is asleep in the next room.

And the next morning,

She will still yell at me.

_You're too slow,_

_We're going to be late for school,_

_You didn't do your chores yet._

I want to yell at her,

Tell her that it's not as important

As the fact that I hate myself.

_If this were school work,_

_You would give it your best effort._

_110%._

_But you_ _won't give yourself,_

_And your chores that._

_If you cleaned your room that much,_

_It would be beautiful._

If I gave my chores that effort,

I wouldn't give school that effort.

It's one or the other.

School is more important.

If I don't get all A's,

I won't get into a good college,

And I won't get a good job.

I won't get enough money,

I won't have a house,

Or a life.

_You need to tell someone,_

_Or I will._

_I will tell a counselor, Siubhan._

Please, no.

I can do this on my own.

I'm fine.

_Are you clean?_

No, I'm sorry.

Life is too much right now.

I relapsed.

_I'm going to tell her, Siubhan._

_I have to, you can't do this to yourself._

~~I can too- just watch me.~~

No, no, no,

Please, please don't.

I will tell someone.

Please don't tell. 

And It keeps going on like this,

And maybe I will tell someone some day,

but until then,

I sit here,

I read sad books,

I watch sad movies,

I listen to sad music.

_Stop doing things that make you sad._

_The internet makes you angry._

I am sad so I do things to help me feel.

I am angry so I use the internet to numb it.

No one understands.

I don't know how to make anyone understand.

But I try,

Writing this poem might help,

It might not.

I just want to let you know that,

And I'll still be here tomorrow.

 

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

My mother told me to get over you,

But how can I get over you when

You were the only person that ever lifted me up?

You were like an umbrella in the middle of a storm

Or a warm coat in the middle of winter.

You kept me safe, you made me comfortable.

I never met you, no not in real life,

But I do remember all those late night Skype calls

And sweet Youtube videos of you doing silly things.

I remember the lovely sound of your voice,

I wish that I could hear it now.

I remember the beautiful blue lakes that had hold of your irises.

I wanted to swim in those lakes forever.

I wish I could see them now.

I remember all the jokes and sarcastic messages

That filled up my inbox every morning.

I wish we still talked like that.

I wish we still talked.

Every "Good Morning" and "Goodnight"

Gave me a reason to look forward to getting up the next morning.

Every time you called me "love" or "babe" 

Gave a reason to stay another day to see if it got better.

One day that all stopped, and now there is nothing to love or want in this world

or a reason to wake up in the morning to stay another day if there is no us.


	12. I'm a fucking idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in like 10 minutes and it sucks balls, but it's what was on my mind, idk why you'd be reading it blah blah blah.

I close my eyes and think.  
I think of days where I will be happy.  
More often than not, though, I think of day where I'll be sad.  
Sadly, those are the days that are most likely,  
I want to believe otherwise.  
I want to be able to wake up one day and breathe  
And stretch my arms in the air, completely well rested.  
With a full nights sleep behind me.  
I want to walk to the bathroom and see myself in the mirror.  
Overjoyed with how I look.  
Without my friend, Ana in my head,  
Or the notion that I was born in the wrong body.  
I want to be able to step on the scale with out seeing how much I'm worth.  
I want to go through my day not being tired,  
Not being scared to eat,   
Not being scared of myself.  
I want to go through the day without kissing razors,  
Or making out with lighters.  
I want to make it through the day without the thought of crying,  
Or curling up into a ball,  
Or screaming, shaking, or hyperventilating.  
I want to not have a death wish,  
I want to be able to look at pills or knifes or buildings,  
Without thinking of death  
And my own name in the cemetery  
I want to go back before I was like this and change it.  
I want to be a normal person  
I want to be happy.


	13. I Saw You Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Made about someone who probably knows it's about them. If they see it on here, I don't care.

I saw you today.

You walked into the store just before I left.

I felt my heart sink into my stomach, 

and suddenly I felt sick.

I didn’t think I would have to see you this soon.

Just over a week since we shared our goodbyes;

We were bad for each other.

For some reason I don’t hate you,

Although I probably should.

You were a bitch, and you called yourself the ‘Voice of Reason’.

But I don’t love you either.

I don’t idolize you.

When She stopped talking to me, 

I had still loved her,

And then I hated her.

Hell, I had that grudge on Him for years.

But this, the way I’m feeling, 

The way I’m coping-

This is new.

It’s confusing as hell, 

And I’m not sure what to do.

I don’t like that.

I hope you have a great life,

And I wish you well.


	14. Niall

I Love You  
You, with your bleach-blonde hair and your ocean blue eyes.

I haven’t been to an ocean anywhere near as pretty.

You, with the voice that can make me melt inside.

It sound as I bet chocolate would.

You, the sweet caring person that you are,

You saved me, you know?

You, the one with the carefully maintained biceps.

I wish you would hug me with them.

You, the one in the #1 band right now.

I’ve been a fan for 3 years.

It feels like a lifetime.

You, the boy who has thousands of girls on his doorstep,

Waiting for your attention.

Wanting you to see therm, befriend them, love them.

Those girls are always prettier than I am.

They’re skinnier, smarter, perfect.

You have the power to pick anyone of them.

You’d never pick me.

You’d have to wait for me anyways,

And to you, I’m just another fan.

You’ve never even met me to put me on a list of ‘maybes’.

You wouldn’t love me anyways.

But I love you.


	15. Sixth Grade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really hated sixth grade but I can't forget it, sorry.

Dear the people that made me hate life.  
Dear the people that make the district school plans,  
Who thought it was a good idea to take a school and split it up between three different middle schools?  
Dear my trio of friends from my elementary school,   
I missed you guys so much  
Dear my homeroom teacher/ Social studies teacher in 6th grade,  
Why did you hate me so much?  
Did it really matter that I was less cool, or rich, or conformed as my fellow classmates?  
Did it really matter that I liked a band that you didn’t like or that I just wanted a little attention from someone because I had no one at school?  
Did I really deserve those C’s for not being neat or my handwriting being bad?  
Did you really need to tease and make fun of me in front of the class? Say that I was addicted to the internet and that I need to exercise more?  
Were you really that astonished when I was more responsible than your favorite students?  
You just liked them because they were conformed to your ideas.  
Dear girls in my classes that conformed to Mr. H’s ideas,  
Was it really that important to you to be the teacher’s pet?  
Why did you hate me because of him?  
You all like that band now and are addicted to the internet.  
I was just a step ahead.  
Dear my 6th grade gym class,  
Why was I picked last for dodgeball when you didn’t even really know me yet?  
Why did you yell at me when I couldn’t do everything that the people on the city travel teams can do?  
Why did you get mad at me when I wouldn’t do much of anything as I was discouraged?  
I tried my best, but I didn’t have enough money as a child to be in those sports.  
Dear the gym teacher/health teacher,  
Why did you let them win?  
Why did you let them tell you I wasn’t good enough to make a comment, but someone else was?  
Dear the girls in my art class that hated me,  
Thank you for fulfilling the role of the ‘mean girls’ my mom always told me about.  
You did a great job of making sure people wouldn’t talk to me unless it was making fun of me.  
Dear the girl that told me that no one wanted me here,  
I assume you meant on the planet, as you didn’t give me any other option.  
By the way, I didn’t want to be on the planet either at that point.  
Dear everyone else in that art class,  
Why did no one say anything?  
Why did no one stand up for me?  
Dear the art teacher whose name is, ironically, a color,  
Why didn’t you do anything?  
I’m pretty sure everyone in the room heard it, and no one did anything.  
Dear the person who said 6th graders had to sit with their homerooms,  
I hate you.  
My homeroom was split into two tables:   
the one with all the cool boys,  
the one that was half popular girls and half losers like me.  
I really love those losers.  
Dear the kids that fit into that category,  
You weren’t actually losers,   
You just didn’t fit in, and that’s great.  
Always remember to eat though, because at lunch some of us tended to not eat.  
Dear the person who thought Girl Lunches and Boy Lunches were a good idea,  
They’re really not.  
As someone who had and has a lot of gender dysphoria and confusion, I hated it  
My only friend was a guy, and by the time I made girl friends, it was gone.  
Dear the boys that ruined Girl Lunches and Boy Lunches,  
You were 11 and 12 and don’t get to whistle at girls.  
It is derogatory, misogynistic, and stupid.  
Dear the boy who was one of my two friends at the beginning of the year,  
Thank you for talking to me and creating crazy stories with me.  
Thank you for dreaming about the apocalypse of 2012 and drawing sailboats.  
Thank you for laughing with me and being the best friend in world to me.  
Dear the boy who was one of my two friends,  
Why did you think I was lying when I said I felt depressed?  
Why did you say I was crazy when I said I had a crush on a girl?  
Dear the boy who was one of my only two friends,  
Why did you stop talking to me one day, and act like I didn’t even exist?  
Dear the girl who was my only other friend,  
Why did you leave me right after he did because I wasn’t cool at all?  
I was ruining your rep, I get it.  
Dear the first girl I ever had a crush on,  
You are one special lady.  
I saw you one day and BAM I had to question my life and sexuality.  
Dear the girl who always made fun of the autistic kid in science,  
You did this everyday.  
I always stood up for him and then you would make fun of me.  
You are low.  
Dear the kid that was made fun of everyday,  
I’m sorry that this happened and that when you cried the teacher didn’t really care.  
I’m sorry that this girl got a free pass everyday and you had to go to the counselor.  
It isn’t fair  
Dear the kid that always provided comic relief at this point,  
Thank you, we all needed that.  
I know the teacher didn’t really appreciate it, but I did, and I understood.  
When you told me in 7th grade that you were depressed, I wasn’t surprised at all.  
Dear the kid that decided to beat my friend up in the hallway before 8th hour one day,  
You’re cruel; you hit her with a flute case until her head was bleeding.  
Dear administration that only gave her a 3 day suspension,  
What were you thinking?  
Dear my math teacher that bribed me to get me to do things,  
Maybe if you taught the material better, I wouldn’t have gotten 70-80%’s on tests.  
Maybe I would have been more confident.  
Thank you for bribing with merch from that one band, though, I appreciated that.  
Dear the girls who let me open up to them and became friends with me,  
I really appreciate that.  
Thank you for being there for me, for listening to me, for knowing I wasn’t crazy.  
Dear those girls that are still my friends,   
Thank you for believing in me.  
I miss you guys.  
Dear the girl who would become my bae,   
I love you so much and I hope you know that.  
You are so nice and I miss you so much.  
Dear my middle school that year,   
Thank you for being my home when I needed someone to go to.  
Even if I hated going to you everyday, it made me feel whole.  
I had a repeated schedule to go through.  
I love you and wouldn’t take that year away ever.


	16. Things I Have Learned From Tumblr

Things I have learned from Tumblr:

1\. Most people don’t know what they’re doing with their lives, and that’s chill. Just because adults in your life tell you that you should have plans and goals doesn’t mean you need to.

2\. There’s a lot more lgbt+ people in the world than just the few you have known in real life. Just because you know someone and think that they’re straight doesn’t mean that they’re straight. There is a lot you can hide and an abundance of things that you don’t need to share with the world, but you can if you want. You be you, fam.

3\. You can be fifteen, or forty-five and run a blog about a cartoon that you love. You can talk about anything that you love and it is not childish. Childish is derogatory and implies that it is bad to be anything less than mature, but from a quote I found on Tumblr: “the truth is we never really grow up; we just masquerade as adults because that’s what we’re expected to do.” It is okay to run that blog about Gravity Falls or Adventure time because you love it. Do what you love.

4\. It’s alright to be sad. Lots of people aren’t happy. You don’t have to be going through a traumatic event to feel emotion. It’s okay to only post black and white photos of flowers with sad quotes over them. There’s a whole community of people the same as you. You will be welcomed and accepted.

5\. It’s okay to write. You’re not weird in anyway for composing a novel about a medieval town that you created. It is not stupid to write poetry about your life and your feelings. It is not disgusting or scandalous to write fanfiction about Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson in an alternate universe where they're in high school still. It’s alright to have imagination and express it.

6\. #FeeltheBern #Sanders2k16

7\. You don’t have to be perfect, but everyone holds galaxies in their eyes and stardust under their skin, and you are beautiful no matter what.


End file.
